January’s blog was about doing different in order to embrace and encourage change. But this month I want to talk about BEING different. I feel like I have a very good background to talk about this since my whole life has been one long trail of boxes I didn’t fit into!
Even my appearance on the planet was a surprise since my parents had decided not to have kids. At the hospital, they put my mum in a blue nightdress (they did things like that in those days) because I was expected to be a boy. And from then on, I was good when they expected naughty and naughty when they expected good, and – the Norwegian degree comes to mind here – I just never really fitted the mould!
Those who have known me for a long time would tell you they don’t remember me being shy about expressing that difference! But that was on the outside – and for the longest time I have had a guilt, about being different and not fitting in.
After all, if you’re different then people have to work harder. They have to accommodate you and your weird personality, crazy woo-woo career and strange ideas.
So basically, I’m inconveniencing people and putting them out! And potentially causing them confusion and maybe even fear because they just don’t understand where I’m coming from.
But – NO LONGER – thank you ‘Magic in the Mountains’ – the Healers Rising retreat, that I attended last month in Banff, Canada.
Together with a load of people I didn’t know, I did a load of exercises and games to increase my intuition and understand my own and other people’s’ energy better. That was very eye-opening and may well be another blog! – but the big one came when we each had a past life regression.
I was completely open-minded and had no expectations about the experience, and I think that really helped. I was initially quite sceptical as to whether I’d be able to go ‘under’ although as it turned out ‘under’ wasn’t quite what I thought.
It was more about being guided into a relaxed state that allowed you to access things you didn’t realise you knew. Answers would shoot into my head before I’d even really formed any conscious thoughts. Fascinating!
I won’t go into detail about my regression but suffice it to say I was mostly crying throughout. Which, I have to say, I hate. Especially in ‘public’ (there were two other group members there, as well as the facilitator). But it wasn’t an issue. I just allowed the tears to flow, and in any case, it wasn’t uncomfortable as they were coming from a place of pure joy.
Even afterwards, I was sitting on the couch laughing! But what really clicked for me after that experience was the fact that it was SAFE TO BE MY TRUE SELF. And that’s – gasp! – warts and all. I became aware that I’m always going to have an impact on people in different ways, depending on who they are and how they feel about themselves.
There’s nothing I can do about that! It’s like magnets that react a certain way, opposing and attracting because they can’t help it. It’s a physical law. In the past I’ve worried a lot over whether I’ve done or said the wrong thing, or ‘made people feel a certain way’. That’s an untruth there by the way. You don’t MAKE someone feel – they do that on their own!
I worried about what people might be doing thinking or feeling because of what I said or did. For example, saying no to an invitation, expressing how I feel about a certain subject, or setting a boundary about what I will or won’t do. And then there is the everyday stuff like interacting with people, or just passing them on the street.
Have you ever taken an instant dislike to someone you don’t know? Someone you’ve seen across the room, or on a train. A ticket collector, waiter, or a salesperson? You react to what you can see, but also to what you can’t – i.e. how that person’s energy makes you feel. People are usually unaware of it, but it affects how you think and feel and maybe how you behave and speak to that person.
I should clarify that I’m not making excuses for people who persecute and abuse others because they don’t like that they’re different. We each need to take responsibility for our own bullshit, and that’s why it’s important to notice and explore how we feel rather than just operating on auto-pilot.
But my big revelation was no matter who I am, or what I do, people are still only going to be able to see me from their own perspective. And that perspective may be out of balance, but there’s nothing I can do about that. So, I may as well be me!
Part of the past life regression experience was connecting with a different ‘me’ – someone who was totally themselves, and totally in tune with their environment. They didn’t go round worrying and overthinking everything (facepalm). And it was such a joyful experience just being me!
But there was more! It was all very well to accept and allow my true self – but what about embracing and celebrating that? It came to light, after doing some more energy work, that I had been suppressing the greater part of myself for many lifetimes.
Imagine folding up a piece of A4 paper like a concertina so you have a thick piece of folded paper only about 1cm long. That is what I had done with myself. The greater part of me was not showing (i.e. non-physical). The tiny part of me that was visible to the world could now ‘fit in’ – or pretend to!
Yikes! And I wonder why I have backache and other aches and pains? I may have had very good reasons for folding myself away like that, but I won’t do it any longer. It has, however, made me wonder how many others have done the same.
Or, in less woo-woo terms, how many people are hiding parts of their personality for fear of not being accepted?
Take a good look at yourself. How much do you feel able to show? How much do you feel is ‘suitable’, or ‘good enough’, to show to other people? If you’re not sure, try asking your body the question and see if any feelings or thoughts come to the surface. You can also pull a Tarot card and see what it shows you. With Tarot you must be very careful how you ask the question.
“Tarot, show me how I feel about expressing the whole of myself”, might be ok. “Show me how I feel”, however, is too vague. Try: “show me how much of myself I currently feel comfortable with expressing to people.”
Then, if you find you are hiding a large part of yourself, DON’T get the forceps and drag that part out into the light of day! If you are hiding something, there is a reason – good, bad, or indifferent, and it needs to be understood and acknowledged before you try to make any changes. Otherwise, you will just get a whole lot of resistance from your body, and take it from me, you won’t enjoy that!
Do some more self-exploration to find the why, and then you can talk to your body about it and come to an agreement. And, if you don’t already talk to your body – then it’s time to start! It’s a really great way to get information. All you need is to centre yourself, ask a question, either out loud or silently, and see what comes to mind.
If nothing does, don’t force it, wait a bit, and maybe do something else. An answer might float in later. If you’re still not getting anything then it’s worth asking, “body, why are you not giving me an answer?” Or “body, why can’t I hear the answers you’re giving me?”
If that fails, try the master of all questions – the open question (one that can’t be countermanded and confused by the logical mind stepping in!). “Body, if I could hear what you were saying, what would that be?”
So, go ahead, crack open those tarot cards, open a dialogue with your body and start unfolding the greater part of you. I can promise you the world will be all the better for it.
Artwork by Daniel Saunders @honeybadgermountain.com
Multi-Dimensional Healing 